The Things Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask About Sex

Let's be honest.

There are some questions that are surprisingly difficult to ask out loud.

Why don't I want sex as much as I used to?

Why can't I orgasm?

Why does sex sometimes hurt?

Why do I need lubricant?

Is it normal to enjoy using a vibrator?

Why does my body seem to work differently from everyone else's?

And perhaps the biggest question of all:

“Is there something wrong with me?”

The answer, quite often, is no.

Sexual health is a complicated combination of physical health, hormones, emotions, relationships, medication, stress, body image and individual preferences. There isn't a single definition of what a “normal” sex life should look like. What matters is understanding your own body, recognising when something has changed, and knowing when it's worth asking for professional advice.

So, let's talk about some of the questions that women don't always feel comfortable asking.

“Why don't I want sex as much as I used to?”

Your sex drive isn't necessarily going to remain the same throughout your life.

Changes in desire can be influenced by a wide range of factors, including physical and emotional health, stress, relationship circumstances, medication and hormonal changes.

Sexual difficulties can also involve desire, arousal, orgasm or pain, and these concerns are common enough that healthcare professionals routinely deal with them.

In other words, having a period where you aren't particularly interested in sex doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.

However, if a change in sexual desire is persistent, causing you distress, affecting your relationship or bothering you personally, it's worth discussing it with a healthcare professional rather than simply assuming you have to live with it.

“Why can't I orgasm?”

This is a question many women have, and the answer isn't as simple as magazines and movies sometimes make it seem.

Orgasms can vary considerably between people, and even for the same person at different times. Some people need more stimulation than others, and factors including physical health, medications, hormones, emotional wellbeing and psychological factors can affect the ability to orgasm.

Difficulty reaching orgasm can also occur in different ways. Someone might never have experienced an orgasm, might have experienced them previously but not anymore, or might only orgasm in particular circumstances.

None of this means you're “broken.”

If difficulty reaching orgasm is causing you distress, however, that's a legitimate reason to speak to a healthcare professional. Sexual health concerns are real health concerns, and there may be an underlying factor that can be addressed.

“Why do I sometimes need lubricant?”

Needing lubrication isn't something to be embarrassed about.

Vaginal dryness can occur for a number of reasons, and it can contribute to discomfort or pain during sex. Hormonal changes are one possible factor, particularly around and after menopause, but dryness and painful sex can have several different causes.

A lubricant can reduce friction and make sexual activity more comfortable when dryness is contributing to discomfort.

The important thing is not to feel as though needing lubricant means your body is somehow failing.

Sometimes your body simply needs a little extra help.

“Why does sex hurt?”

This is one question that deserves particular attention.

Pain during or after sex is known medically as dyspareunia. It can involve pain at the vaginal opening, deeper pelvic pain, burning, aching or other forms of discomfort. There are numerous potential causes, including dryness, hormonal changes, infections, pelvic-floor problems and other medical conditions.

Painful sex shouldn't simply be dismissed as something women have to tolerate.

If sex is regularly painful, particularly if the pain is new, persistent or affecting your quality of life, speak to a healthcare professional. There may be a treatable reason behind it.

And please don't feel embarrassed about bringing it up with your doctor.

They have heard these questions before.

“Is it normal to masturbate?”

Masturbation and sexual self-exploration are part of human sexuality.

People have different attitudes toward masturbation, influenced by culture, upbringing, religion, relationships and personal beliefs. There isn't a requirement that everyone should masturbate, or that nobody should.

What is important is that women shouldn't feel ashamed simply for being curious about their own bodies.

Understanding what feels comfortable and pleasurable to you can also make it easier to communicate your preferences to a partner.

“Is it normal if my body doesn't respond the way I expect?”

Absolutely worth talking about.

Sexual response isn't simply an on/off switch.

You can want sex but struggle to become physically aroused. You can become aroused but struggle to orgasm. You can enjoy intimacy without wanting intercourse. You can have periods where your libido is high and others where it is practically nonexistent.

Sexual health professionals recognise several different aspects of sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm and pain. Difficulties can occur in any of these areas, and they can have physical, psychological or emotional contributors.

The idea that there is one “correct” way for a woman's body to respond to sex can create unnecessary pressure.

There isn't.

“What if something feels different?”

This is where knowing your own body becomes important.

A new or persistent change, particularly pain, unusual bleeding, abnormal discharge, significant discomfort or other concerning symptoms, is something you shouldn't simply ignore.

For example, bleeding associated with sex should be discussed with a healthcare provider, particularly if it is unexplained or recurring.

Likewise, repeated or intense pain associated with orgasm warrants medical attention.

The goal isn't to scare you.

It's the opposite.

Knowing when something deserves attention gives you more control over your health.

Perhaps the biggest question: “Am I normal?”

Here's the thing.

There is an enormous amount of pressure placed on women to look a certain way, feel a certain way and behave a certain way sexually.

But human sexuality doesn't work like a checklist.

Some women have high libidos. Some have low libidos. Some enjoy masturbation. Some don't. Some orgasm easily. Others don't. Some enjoy penetration. Others prefer different forms of intimacy. Some experience changes in their sexual response as they age or as their circumstances change.

Variation doesn't automatically mean dysfunction.

What matters is whether you are comfortable, informed and able to make choices about your own body, and whether something is causing you pain or distress.

And if something doesn't feel right?

Ask.

There is no prize for suffering in silence.

Let's make these conversations less awkward

At Fascination Boutique, we believe sexual wellness shouldn't be a subject that women have to whisper about.

You don't need to know all the answers.

You don't need to be embarrassed about asking questions.

And you certainly don't need to compare your body or your sex life with someone else's.

Sometimes the most empowering thing you can do is simply learn more about yourself.

Because there is nothing embarrassing about wanting to understand your own body.

A note about your health

This article is intended for general educational purposes and isn't a substitute for individual medical advice.

If you experience persistent or severe pain, unexplained bleeding, unusual discharge, significant changes in sexual function, or any symptom that concerns you, speak to a qualified healthcare professional.

Sources & further reading

• Cleveland Clinic — Sexual Dysfunction: Overview of sexual dysfunction, including difficulties involving desire, arousal, orgasm and pain. Cleveland Clinic: Sexual Dysfunction

• Cleveland Clinic — Dyspareunia (Painful Intercourse): Information on causes, symptoms and treatment of painful sex. Cleveland Clinic: Dyspareunia

• Cleveland Clinic — Anorgasmia: Information about difficulty or inability to orgasm and possible contributing factors. Cleveland Clinic: Anorgasmia

• Cleveland Clinic — Orgasm: Medical overview of orgasm and individual variation in sexual response. Cleveland Clinic: Orgasm

• Cleveland Clinic — Dysorgasmia: Information about painful orgasm and when medical advice should be sought. Cleveland Clinic: Dysorgasmia